lift our heads, look to the horizon, and pedal.

Most days I talk to myself about the reasons that I should be happy, after all--- I have been richly blessed.

I remind myself that I am not alone--- alone in this nightmare. I call it a nightmare only because in the REAL world, mothers don't seem to lose their babies, born at full term with no pregnancy complications. My pregnancy was perfect. I can say that because if we wouldn't have found reason for concern at our 20 week ultrasound, I would have NEVER known. Like I said, my pregnancy was perfect. All seemed perfect when he was inside of me. So what was supposed to result in a daughter who would need multiple surgeries throughout her life, turned into a beautiful baby boy who could not be rescued from Congenital Heart Disease. The severity of his condition was a sure explanation to us that our Heavenly Father would be calling him home. AND that's why we decided to take Stephen to his Home away from HOME (Heaven), which was here in the arms of his very loving family.

In my eyes, I no longer look at just the pregnacy as being perfect, but the birth was perfect, and Stephen was perfect. I wouldn't want him to be any other way. I just wouldn't. Every part of Stephen is what made him Stephen. I fell in love with every unique part of him the very moment that I saw him for the first time. It was very obvious and I knew deep down in my heart from the very start... that Stephen just wasn't supposed to be with us long. I would have never imagined that we would have had him for 37 additional days at home, but the evening that we left that hospital with Stephen in our arms.... I knew that he wasn't going anywhere but home, our home. I was calm. I have never felt so lucky, so blessed, and so incredibly happy as I did at that moment.

There is nothing like I'm sorry for your loss for your congratulations. What many don't know.... is just how much of a difference those 37 days at home actually made. As short-lived as it was, it happened. It was REAL.

Those 37 days changed everything. They changed our lives. They changed your lives.

Carrying the burden of grief and loss has been a challenge for me.

Being cheerful isn't always the answer. The best thing that I have done for myself thus far is mourn & choosing to mourn in the manner which best suited me. To properly be comforted, we must properly mourn. It was as if I had to give myself permission to break down, to weep, and to feel sad. I know that we were blessed with 37 additional miraculous days. The fact that I still have many days where I feel as if I were robbed, cheated, or denied--- makes me feel guilty, to the core. These stages of grief aren't always pretty--- ugly feelings can surface, but I am glad that I have given myself permission to let them surface. I have recognized the wisdom that has come from allowing myself to experience the hard and the painful--- and in their fullness.

I find so much comfort in my faith. Although I don't always understand why certain things need to happen, I do know that the day will surely come when I will, for ...there is a time to every purpose under heaven. One day I came to the realization that our burdens are incredibly lightened as we learn to just trust in the Lord ---- trusting in his timing and his every pupose. Feelings of fear and saddness are quickly replaced with infinate amounts of comfort and JOY. This is when I realized that this season of mourning will one day be replaced with a season of JOY. All the while, my heart will always be painfully aware of our loss. THAT is my life now & I wouldn't change any part of it. THIS is who I am. Stephen has defined for me.... what makes our mortal life so beautiful. A definition that I hold dear to my heart.

That definition is PRECIOUS TIME--- and Stephen's life defined the beauty of precious time, in it's fullness.

During those 44 days with Stephen, I developed a new set of eyes, a new pair of ears, and a brand new heart.

I first heard Mindy sing this song at Paul Cardall's Celebrate Life Concert and I fell in love with it then. This song is about the beautiful, Nie. Mindy Gledhill's new album will be released August 4th and I just can't wait. I love this song. Press pause on my blog music to the right and give her song a listen. You'll LOVE it.

You might not be able to see my scars, but they are there--- they too, are slowly healing.

I am still painfully awaiting another season of joy, but I know that it can't be too far off--- that perhaps, this season may be just right around the corner.

I hope that you all can learn to love my odd behavior resulting from these deep scars that have formed

within my heart.

I am trying to feel beautiful again, but when I lost Stephen--- it's as if deep wounds replaced the beauty that I once had. However, the Lord gifted me a richer kind of beauty when he blessed my life with Stephen--- because it is Stephen who has made my heart beautiful.

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Lastly, I just wanted to share a story written by Tim Hansel. This story stresses the importance of being positive and trusting in the Lord.

"The Road of Life"

“At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable….It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, “Pedal!”

I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I’d say, “I’m scared,” He’d lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord’s and mine.

And we were off again. He said, “Give the gifts away; they’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I’m sure I just can’t do any more, He just smiles and says, “Pedal.”

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I liked this story because it testifies that the Lord knows what he is doing.

If we are listening--- we too, will be encouraged through the promptings of the spirit to ....lift our heads, look to the horizon, and pedal. If you continue to pedal, I can promise you--- that one day YOU will meet your season of joy.