Time
Time, an unwinnable fight,
Time, brings the work of death,
Time, brings a newborn’s breath.
Time, brings couples together,
Time, keeps love going forever,
Time, an instrument of healing,
Time, it can be revealing.
Time, brings us wrongs and rights,
Time, brings all humans fright,
Time, can be good or bad,
Time, makes us happy and sad…
Time, ‘tis what gives life meaning,
Time, 'tis oh so demeaning,
Time, our memories it will rinse,
Time, for it’s the world’s balance.
[Joseph Duggan].
C.S. Lewis: "And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness."
It's a challenge to transform time into meaningful moments... but, it's a challenge I'm willing to accept, because I don't want to look back on this period in my life and see only "empty successiveness." I want to find purpose and reason to live joyfully even when my heart is in pain.
But you see... what I struggle with most--- is definitely the motivation that time demands. Many times, I find that I just have too much processing through my mind, making it much too hard to focus on any ONE particular thing. I want to commit, yet I'm not strong enough to withhold the alluring thoughts that are constantly drifting in my head. I blog and blog and blog--- which gives me that peace of mind, knowing that I have rid my distractions. But it as if the thoughts, the feelings, the soul searching---- they are endless. So I tend to want to put them on the back burner and enjoy life a little more, but all of this- time [yet lack there of in the realm of this life] has been hard to adjust to since Stephen's passing on. I thought I would be needed more right now... changing constant diapers, breastfeeding, nap schedules---- all the while teaching Wesley and Emma to be quiet and to play more independently so the baby could nap. Now... I actually hear from below the stairs the faint giggles of them playing together, the buzz from the light in the kitchen that tries so hard to actually work, and the sounds that accompany a lost soul--- as she [me] types a million miles per hour. Time is confusing and so hard to comprehend. I want more time, yet struggle with what to do to make the most out of the time that has been given. This is something that I NEVER worried about in the past. Funny because my reason being would have been --- I just didn't have the time.
Time you stand in the way, yet make most things possible. I have this tug-a-war relationship with you right now. To put it plainly--- YOU drives me nuts.
Too many times lately, I find myself acknowleding that... I just haven't made the time to do or get done. Probably, because I had too much time to think about doing them. I've got to quit avoiding time. Time gone shouldn't have to mean time wasted. For me, I feel like so much of my precious time has already been lost, stolen, or taken away.... If I'm going to win this time war, I best buy myself a pretty little watch and possibly burn my computer. What do you think? I feel like we will always need more time, but a huge part of me wishes that our time didn't have to be cradled amongst our mourning hearts. Time no longer feels as beautiful as it once did. It felt free, given, and possibly less important---- but beautiful.
It's a challenge to transform time into meaningful moments... but, it's a challenge I'm willing to accept, because I don't want to look back on this period in my life and see only "empty successiveness." I want to find purpose and reason to live joyfully even when my heart is in pain.
But you see... what I struggle with most--- is definitely the motivation that time demands. Many times, I find that I just have too much processing through my mind, making it much too hard to focus on any ONE particular thing. I want to commit, yet I'm not strong enough to withhold the alluring thoughts that are constantly drifting in my head. I blog and blog and blog--- which gives me that peace of mind, knowing that I have rid my distractions. But it as if the thoughts, the feelings, the soul searching---- they are endless. So I tend to want to put them on the back burner and enjoy life a little more, but all of this- time [yet lack there of in the realm of this life] has been hard to adjust to since Stephen's passing on. I thought I would be needed more right now... changing constant diapers, breastfeeding, nap schedules---- all the while teaching Wesley and Emma to be quiet and to play more independently so the baby could nap. Now... I actually hear from below the stairs the faint giggles of them playing together, the buzz from the light in the kitchen that tries so hard to actually work, and the sounds that accompany a lost soul--- as she [me] types a million miles per hour. Time is confusing and so hard to comprehend. I want more time, yet struggle with what to do to make the most out of the time that has been given. This is something that I NEVER worried about in the past. Funny because my reason being would have been --- I just didn't have the time.
Time you stand in the way, yet make most things possible. I have this tug-a-war relationship with you right now. To put it plainly--- YOU drives me nuts.
Too many times lately, I find myself acknowleding that... I just haven't made the time to do or get done. Probably, because I had too much time to think about doing them. I've got to quit avoiding time. Time gone shouldn't have to mean time wasted. For me, I feel like so much of my precious time has already been lost, stolen, or taken away.... If I'm going to win this time war, I best buy myself a pretty little watch and possibly burn my computer. What do you think? I feel like we will always need more time, but a huge part of me wishes that our time didn't have to be cradled amongst our mourning hearts. Time no longer feels as beautiful as it once did. It felt free, given, and possibly less important---- but beautiful.
The entire truth is: I was so naive.... and in all retrospect, I probably still am.
There is a time for everything....
And now is the time for ME to redefine the definition of time in my life--- after all, not too long ago, time made my world go round....
If I'm wasting my time, I might just be wasting myself.
I cannot let time get the best of me, but rather... I shall let time become the music of my very being.
Does anybody know how to do that? go ahead... make it sound easy too!
2 comments:
I love you, Jess.
Joni- I love you MORE.
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