Our Precious Little One

On Wednesday, November 25th, we took Stephen to the hospital to check on the function of his kidney. He had been running a low grade fever for a couple of days. He had been extremely fussy and I knew that he was very uncomfortable. I especially knew his kidney wasn't well when he had completely stopped urinating. At this point, every time that Stephen tried to nurse, he would pull away in discomfort. As we drove Stephen to the hospital, Aaron and I both were anxious for our Stephen to be comfortable. I just remember praying, over and over again, Please Heavenly Father, please help me to keep my baby comfortable. Please. Please. Please. We waited for the results from the blood test- knowing that we were both about to hear some devastating news. The test confirmed that Stephen's kidney was in fact failing. It now was only working at about 10-15%. When we left the hospital it was at about 30%. They sent us home with the means of being able to keep Stephen comfortable. My prayers were answered. We just didn't want our poor baby to be in any pain as his kidney failed. Later that night I was able to nurse him one last time. He didn't even fully wake up. I'm not even sure that I recognized that this was going to be the last time. But, it soon became apparent that...

NOTE: Wesley is now holding me while I type... in tears. How healthy is that. Wesley comforting me. What a sweet boy my little Wesley is.

....continued. It soon became apparent that I would no longer get to hear him cry. I would no longer get to see his eyes open -at least with any life in them. I would no longer get to hear his sweet little noises. I would no longer change his diaper. I would no longer get to do all the Mommy things that I so loved and wanted to do for him. So at that point, I just desperately tried to remember everything about him. I studied him. I tried to memorize all our moments of being together. I tried especially hard to remember what it felt like as my lips kissed his cheek. I loved that feeling. I wanted to also remember what it felt like when his fingers tightly grasped mine. I wish I could remember it as well as I imagined I would. I wish that I had longer to memorize each and every single detail. I wish that I could experience all those moments over and over again. Photos and videos are great, but nothing will ever compare to just LIVING in those moments. Those were special, special, super special moments ....ones that I will cherish in my heart forever. We should consider each and every single moment with our loved ones a blessing; and cherish each of those moments as if it was going to be the last. There are so many worldly "things" that can take our focus away from doing exactly that, so it is REALLY imperative that we concentrate on our Faith and our Family. To be closer to God, be closer to family- to be closer to family, be closer to God. It makes sense- BECAUSE it works!

Thanksgiving morning, November 26th, we drove into the mountains to find a Christmas tree... Stephen and I remained in the car, while Aaron and the kids picked out the perfect tree. It didn't take long because PERFECT didn't matter. The tree made us happy. Because of our Stephen... our family no longer needs perfect. In fact, we no longer NEED much at all. I now notice the simple and the small. I actually feel more content with LESS. Sometimes we acquire so much "STUFF" that we actually hide what is important. I feel like I have let this happen just by living life, letting each day pass~ without having a true understanding or purpose of what this life is all about. I didn't mean to, but somewhere I stopped recognizing just how blessed I was. I complained... I wasn't content enough with the amazing life that I have been given. I wanted more, I stopped progressing... spiritually and temporally. I didn't take the time to honestly reflect on my blessings and the importance of this life. I was too wrapped up in worldly ways. I knew that there were unlucky folks out there, but I assumed that I didn't and wouldn't ever fit into this category, so I lived my life and the way that I wanted to live it, with no sensitivity at all to others.

ONE WORD= PRIDE. ....when I recognized this pride in my life, I immediately repented and tried to humble myself before God. If we aren't careful, we can easily be influenced by our pride. We must recognize it and then humble ourselves before God. Essentially, pride is a “my will” rather than “thy will” approach to life. It was through pride that Satan became the adversary of all truth.

I love this. Dallin H. Oaks... asks us "How, then, do we prevent our strengths from becoming our downfall?

His answer: "The quality we must cultivate is humility. Humility is the great protector. Humility is the antidote against pride. Humility is the catalyst for all learning, especially spiritual things. Through the prophet Moroni, the Lord gave us this great insight into the role of humility: “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27)."

So this year, on Thanksgiving day, I held my Stephen- with a completely broken and humbled heart. I was more grateful for my family than I had ever been before. I was more grateful for my home, which many times I thought was too small. I was more grateful for my husband, who many times I don't thank enough. I was thankful for my children, who many times I ignore. I was more grateful for the atonement, which many times I don't appreciate as I should. I was more grateful for my friends, who many times I chose not to serve. I was more grateful for time, which I only wished I had more of with my sweet baby boy. I now pray for opportunities to help those unlucky folks. I also have found that I'm not categorizing others. I welcome them into my circle with loving arms.

We took our tree home and continued to spend the rest of the day with our family. We shared our Stephen with many and then took him home that evening, where we spent our last hours with him. Wesley chose to spend his last few hours with Stephen, snuggled up next to him in his bed. I took pictures as I watched Wesley be an amazing big brother. At one point Wesley hopped up from his bed and grabbed his special blue bunny, "HAPPILY". Wesley brought Happily up to his bed and placed him right next to Stephen and continued to stare at him. I think Wesley and Emma were doing as we all were ... just trying to memorize everything that they possibly could about their baby brother. I am so grateful that Wesley and Emma had the opportunity to have 37 days at home to bond with sweet baby Stephen.

After the kids said goodnight to Stephen, Aaron and I took him into our bed and held him close... we took turns cuddling and holding him. Stephen hadn't eaten since the night previous. Clear up until the time that he passed, I remember feeling so concerned that he hadn't eaten in so long. It broke my heart. He would open his eyes when he heard my voice, but the life in his wide-open eyes was completely gone. I even snapped my fingers in front of his eyes. There wasn't even the slightest reaction. My heart sunk into my stomach. I literally felt the saddest I have ever, ever, ever felt in my entire life. I wanted desperately to make him better. I knew that the only way I could help him to feel better was to continue to LOVE him and trust in the Lord. I knew that he would soon be welcomed into Heaven, where he would be getting the best care available. Aaron and I slept very little that night and the next morning. It was a quiet evening where not many words were said, however there were many, many things felt. It was a truly spiritual experience. It was early the next morning, on the 27th.. that Aaron gave Stephen a blessing. We knew it was almost time and we wanted him to go peacefully. We wanted him to know how much he was ...and continues to be loved. We wanted him to know that we would be okay.

I awoke in a panic, at the fact that I had fallen asleep. I awoke Aaron and told him that I thought I had heard Stephen's last breath and that his heart wasn't beating anymore. We heard one last breath and that's when we both knew that our baby Stephen was no longer with us. It was 7:30 in the morning. We let Wesley and Emma hold him and lay with him one last time and then Aaron and I took some time ourselves to say goodbye. He looked peaceful. I was relieved to know that his passing was OVER and that he didn't suffer. But quickly, I became very saddened. It is hard to grasp the reality of a moment like that. I still can't believe what has happened. Although... through all the sadness of it all, I can't help but be reminded of Stephen's miracle. HE LIVED FOR 44 DAYS! ...and when I'm left with wanting MORE~ I am again reminded to be thankful for that amazing miracle, which I know with certainty... was a true gift from God.

The funeral was beautiful. It was PERFECT. Stephen's body was laid to rest in the "little box", (as the children call it) with Happily~ the little blue bunny; as well as a ring that Emma wanted to leave with him. He has a ring on his right pointer finger that matches mine, which I wear in my necklace. He also has a bracelet on his left wrist that matches one that both Aaron and I have. He is wearing his outfit that he wore at both sessions of our family photos. He also is in his soft white blanket that we used during those photo sessions. My Dad offered a family prayer before the service. It was PERFECT. We loved it. Aaron's brother Luke gave the opening prayer, which was also perfect. Kristine did a beautiful job playing the piano for all of our musical numbers. Wesley and Emma, along with some of Stephen's cousins, aunts, and uncles all sang I am a Child of God. It was very touching. Aaron, Wesley, and I gave the remarks-- Stephen would have wanted us to. After all, we were his best buds. Our bishop's wife read an amazing poem that she had written. Lindsay, Dana, and Nona sang a beautiful song that was written for Stephen by Lisa Smith... (all of which are dear, dear friends.) The Spirit guided Bishop to share some thoughts, which Aaron and I appreciated and thought were spot on. Dana sang Aaron's favorite song, How Great Thou Art. The congregation sang Families Can Be Together Forever (one of our Family's favorite songs). The closing prayer was given by Aaron's Dad, which was the perfect closing to a perfect service. It was a beautiful day. After Stephen was carefully lowered into our chosen place at the cemetery, our family released 44 beautiful balloons into the beautiful blue sky. The flowers were absolutely gorgeous. The children were wonderful. The Spirit was strong.

Here is Happily. Wesley attached the the note which reads "Stephen this is your bunny. I heart (love) you."

The service and burial were PERFECT. We certainly appreciate all of our amazing friends and family and want to thank you for all of your help! We appreciate your many acts of kindness and could never thank you enough! We are so grateful for your many prayers and ask you to please continue to pray for our family during this difficult time.

My remarks at the Funeral:
Any amount of time that we are given to spend with our children is priceless, especially if that time is well spent. I think, naturally …. most families just don’t spend nearly enough time within the walls of their own home. Our baby Stephen, was with us for a miraculous 44 days, 37 of which were spent at home, where he was continually surrounded by the pure love of our family.

What he will remember and take with him is the many pokes of the nose and rubs on his cheeks from his big sister Emma, who loved him dearly. She cares so much about her brother. I love her many questions such as “Mommy, where is Steveny’s Heaven?“ and after telling her that Heavenly Father and Jesus have made Stephen’s heart all better, she wanted to know if he could just come back home then? I then told her No, that he wouldn‘t be coming back, but that he was lucky enough to stay in Heaven where he would be well cared for until we would eventually see him again. Her response was, “but Mom he has feet.“

Steven will remember snuggling with his big brother Wesley on the recliner chair, while covered in his small blue blankey from the hospital. Maybe he’ll even remember how much Wesley cherished it and slept with it each and every night and came down the stairs with it every morning. He might even remember the ABC’s, since Wesley felt it so important to take the opportunity to teach him while he was here with us. Our hearts would melt as we watched Wesley care for his little baby brother.

I know he’ll definitely remember the song that Daddy sang to him everyday while we were in the hospital. It will be at about 2:00 in the afternoon every Monday through Friday, that I’m certain that he will look down upon his Daddy trying to take a nap on his lunch break from work, just wishing that he could curl up in his little ball on his chest to join him like he always did. Instead of Aaron spending the time staring at Stephen while he slept in the morning before we left the hospital. Stephen laid with wide-open eyes, just staring and watching his Daddy while he slept. I of course took pictures, as it was very sweet to watch, especially with the understanding that we would probably only have him for a few more hours.

I know he will remember me the most because OF COURSE, I loved him the most. I truly loved everything about my little Stephen. I hope that he will especially remember the comfort of being in my arms, where he probably spent most of his 44 days. He will probably even laugh when he remembers how horrible of a house-keeper I became while he was with us. I hope he remembers how much I love his little button nose and his super soft cheeks.

He will remember how his cousins loved to rub his hair, he will remember how his Aunts and Uncles would all wait in line to hold him.

He will definitely miss his Grandmas. He will remember the love he felt as he laid all wrapped up in the many warm blankets that Grandma Liana had made for him. He will remember Grandma Terri’s beautiful smile and maybe even the taste of her many tears. I believe that he will always remember Grandma Carolue’s sweet scent, which she left behind every time she left our house. Great grandma Bolton- he will for sure remember her gentle touch.

Then he will remember his Grandpas and feel so very blessed to have been named after such great examples. He will remember Grandpa Steve and his camera flash and all the many hours that he spent at the hospital just waiting for his chance to see him. As he remembers Great grandpa Bolton, he will remember his pure love and just how tremendously thoughtful he always is. Stephen will be smiling when he remembers Grandpa Eric and the birthday celebrations he held for him as he reached 2 weeks old and an amazing 1 month old. I know that Stephen even loved how every time that he cried, Eric insisted that he was crying for his Grandpa.

For those of you who never had the opportunity to meet Stephen, he will be forever grateful for your love, support, and many prayers. Above all else, I’m positive that he will remember how much our family loved and continues to love him. I can’t help but wonder if Stephen ever became uncertain of his actual name, as frequently as we all called him jitter bug, potato bug, Steveny, and time and time again ….our little miracle. But that is exactly what Stephen’s 44 days here on earth were~ a complete miracle. After we decided to leave the hospital the evening of October 23rd, it was assumed that Stephen might not make the journey home here to Soda Springs. His fingernails were purple, his skin was rather blue and then at times maybe even a little pale. Even so, we felt in our hearts that we were supposed to take him home, where he could gain a knowledge of our families’ love for him and experience such precious memories. I held him ever so tightly the entire way home. It was such a surreal experience.

Aaron and I were looking through photos of Stephen on Saturday morning, and that’s when I saw the miracle with my very own eyes… yet AGAIN. The miracle showed up in his bright eyes. After being home for a couple of days, something changed. Everything changed. Stephen was thriving. He ate well, slept well, cried, cooed, smiled, and created many special memories with our family. With each day, his color continued to look better and better. It was his fluffy hair, his bright eyes, the cute wrinkles in his forehead, and his sweet spirit that I completely fell in love with. His eyes told his story, our story- of how much he was blessed to be here at home with his family and also how blessed he would soon be, as he returned home …to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Those moments I spent looking into his eyes will forever continue to give me strength. Those moments clearly gave me inspiration to write any and all of my journal entries on my blog. Because of those inspired posts on my blog, I have received countless emails from family, friends, and complete strangers who are touched, thankful, and even feel blessed to have read and know about Stephen’s life. Our family cherished each and every one of those 44 days.

It was on January 1st of 2005 that I entered the waters of baptism. I was 21 years old and 6 months pregnant with my son Wesley. As I became a member of this great church, I remember feeling very troubled by the fact that someday, my little baby boy would have to leave me for 2 years to go on a mission- and quite possibly out of the country. Therefore, I often thought to myself …is two years away from our family… away from ME absolutely necessary? I realized that I had some time and put that thought on the side burner. In the last two years, Aaron and I have rarely called upon babysitters for anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. We drag the children with us just about anywhere that we go.

Now lets fast forward to the birth of Stephen. As doctors sat us down and told us the unfortunate circumstances that Stephen was born with, our hearts became heavy with grief. My heart sunk as I pondered the fact that Stephen wasn’t ever going to have the opportunity to serve a mission. I had so many hopes and dreams for him before he was ever even born. Up until that day, I don’t think I realized exactly just how important it was to me that our sons would have the opportunity to serve a mission. I will always and forever be grateful for the missionaries that took upon themselves to serve a mission and teach me of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Now I have the means of being able to teach my own children and know that they have the potential to always walk in truth.

It is the strength of my faith that helped me to appreciate and enjoy every single day spent with Stephen. Instead of mourning the fact that Stephen was with us for such a short period of time and that he would soon be making his journey home to his Heavenly Father, I was able to gather strength from my faith and live in the moment, appreciate, and enjoy each and every second with Stephen. Although Stephen won’t have the blessed opportunity to go and serve a two year mission, I know that his life here on earth, being only 44 days, has already brought many souls unto Christ. I also know that his story and his strength, combined with our faith will continue to bring souls unto Christ for a long time to come. This was and will be his mission, until that sacred day where we will all be reunited once again. Stephen was truly truly amazing. I will be forever grateful for having been blessed to have him as our son. He especially helped me understand just how imperative Christ is our lives. Through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, I feel peace of conscience and am filled with joy as promised in the scriptures. Through faith and repentance, the atonement allows for us to obtain forgiveness of sins and enjoy the blessings of life eternal-- which truly is the utmost greatest gift of all. Life passes us by too quickly and opportunities fade away. I feel as if I have a fuller knowledge of how blessed I am to be a mother. The truth is ….we should all feel very privileged to have opportunities to spend time with our loved ones, particularly our children. Stephen is a little piece of Heaven. He was sent to our family-- and he truly IS a gift from God.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

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Aaron's remarks at the funeral:
Stephen was born October 15th 2009 at 1:33 pm, after a long and emotional nine months.

We have known from the time of our 20 week ultrasound that our baby had problems in his heart. We hoped and prayed for the best. Each month we were told that his condition was more involved and worse than previously thought.

At birth we were amazed to find that our sweet baby was a boy. Soon after, we were again told that his condition was worse than hoped for and that there was no possibility of repair.

Stephen received his name and a powerful priesthood blessing the night before a needed surgery; in it Stephen was blessed to have health, life, love, and peace. It was a great miracle that Stephen experienced all of these.

Soon after Stephen’s surgery we were again informed that his little body would not be able to live without the support they were giving him in the hospital.

Support was removed on Friday October 23rd, and we prepared to let Stephen return to his Father in Heaven that day. Many prayers were said, and we all asked for a miracle.

Our prayers were answered, Stephen’s blessing was fulfilled, we received our miracle.
After several hours with Stephen signs of worsening appeared, we waited and prayed. Several more hours passed and Stephen started to do better than expected.

It was suggested that we leave the hospital and take our baby home so he could be with us there when he passed.

We left the hospital and we were told that Stephen may not make it home, and if his body was able to last a day we would be lucky.

For more than a month we enjoyed Stephen at home, he looked healthy, he acted healthy, he ate, slept, cried, and smiled. He was our baby.
Thousands of pictures were taken of him, most by his wonderful mother.

His family adored him, his big brother Wesley protected him, loved him, drew him pictures, cuddled him, and sang him beautiful songs. Wesley prayed every night to bless Stephen’s heart to feel better and for Stephen to be strong and healthy.
His big sister Emma, touched him, beeped his nose, smothered him with kisses, checked his heart, and helped feed him.

Stephen’s aunts and uncles worried for him, held him, prayed for him and loved him.

Stephen’s grandparents coddled him, loved him, prayed for him and celebrated random birthdays with him. We had a 2 week birthday, and a 1 month birthday with Stephen.

Jessy and I were able to love Stephen, hold him, feed him, watch him grow, and watch him pass away.

Stephen lived an amazing and miraculous 44 days. During these short weeks he was the catalyst for countless prayers, positive thoughts, amazing hope, and wonderful miracles. Stephen affected more good in the world during his short stay on this earth than maybe any of us will accomplish during our entire lives.

Stephen blessed more lives, was the inspiration for more positive thoughts, and was the topic of more heartfelt prayers than any of us may ever be. Stephen accomplished more in his short life, turned more people to Christ, and brought families and friends closer together than any of us may ever be able to do.

Stephen created more love, caused more giving, and helped more lives than anyone I have ever known.

Stephen was a better person in this life than I could ever hope to be. In 44 short and amazing days Stephen changed my life forever.

I experienced more despair, more misery, more sleepless nights, and more pain during those days than I ever thought possible. However, I also felt more love, more joy, and more heavenly blessings during this amazing time than I ever imagined possible.

Stephen taught us to live to our full potential, to make the most of our lives, and of our circumstances. Stephen fought an amazing fight, lived an amazing life, and influenced countless people, he did it all in less than two months.

Stephen has now returned to his heavenly home. He is happy, he is safe, and he is free from pain and sorrow. Christ told us before he returned to this same place. “I go to prepare a place for you. … that were I am, there may you be also. I am the way the truth and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Let us all remember Stephen, remember his eyes – full of love and joy, remember his influence, REMEMBER HIS LIFE.

Let us not waste what we have, live your life to the fullest, love your family, follow Christ, and one day go to see our precious baby Stephen again.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.